Without A Word

Without A Word

1 Peter 3: 1-6

v1 " Likewise, 'ye wives be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they

also may without the word be won by the conversationof the wives; v2 "While they behold your

chaste conversation coupled with fear."

Will we ever follow this scripture or will we overlook it because us women love to talk?

Will we ever take God's word at face value or will we try to find someone's interpretation of it that suits what
we want?

Will we ever get off our feminist pedastals and obey?

Do we want our ears tickled or do we really want to obey our God?

Sounds tough doesn't it?

This is an area I have so struggled with in my life and now onto my second marriage am still struggling with it.

Even after God dealt with me about this very issue when my last marriage broke down, should I still be struggling?

I am sure I am not the only one out there who battles this issue.

I am sure I am not the only one out there who when God brings truth to them and as much as we understand it we struggle to obey.

We Just Love To Talk

Now...what does God really mean when He says "without a word"?

Are you saying I should just sit by and watch my husband sin and do nothing?

Should I sit by and watch my husband disobey God and let him do it?

Am I to just tolerate his bad behaviour and do nothing about it?

What if my husband is about to make a decision that will ruin our family, should I still say nothing?

What does this really mean to "without a word"?

When can I say something?

Am I ever supposed to say something?

When you tell women that they have to be quiet that's when they just must say something.

And So I Speak....

I would like share what I believe I have learnt and am learning about this subject.

I think the best way to tackle answers to life's questions and God's truths is to take things day by day

How one is travelling today?

How has the journey been so far?

What we would like the journey to look like in the future?

My yesterdays have been very interesting to say the least, but I think every one thinks this about their yesterdays.

I am a mother of eleven amazing children, two in heaven and nine on earth.

This in and of itself would be interesting enough for life, and it is, but throw in the mix: two husbands, continual court battles spanning two countries. It gets a bit more colourful.

Yes and this is just the tip of the berg. The details are quite overwhelming.

If things are shared outside of context and relevance meaning can be lost.

I don't wish to bore people or be a stumbling block for people and this is one of the things I learnt about shutting up, is that not everyone can handle the details.

So even though this is a public forum and I can't control who reads my stuff, my plan is to be as careful and considerate as I can be in what I share and how.

So I will do my best not to cause people to stumble.

I understand that the details of my life will cause some to take things the wrong way or misunderstand, get offended and judge. 

My hope is that in my sharing others will be encouraged, strengthened and inspired.

That they will know another soul who may understand them and not feel so alone.

That they will either find and come to know the God of the Bible or know Him better.

That I too will come to know the God of the Bible who I claim is mine much better, and more intimately.

What About Me

To open ones mouth when they shouldn't really is just a statement saying What about me.

Well I did it again, opened my mouth when I shouldn't have.

Seems to be a habit I may spend the rest of my life trying to tame.

My husband is facing a really horrible time right now, he is not in a good place.

So what did I do?

Became a ME, ME, ME person.

He has suffered the loss of many people in his life through a variety of means in the past four years or more. Most of the losses he brought on himself through poor decision making, but it still hurts.

Through these years he taught me a lesson which I think was one of the most valuable lessons in life. He taught me to have greater compassion for people in situations where they may be the perpetrator.

Perpetrators are also victims, victims of their own decisions.

Most of us believe that somehow if you were the perpetrator you don't suffer pain or not as much as the victim. Certainly if we deserve it we should just suck it up.

The lesson is this: Even if you did the wrong thing and brought consequences upon yourself, it still hurts the same as if you were an innocent victim. If I was to hit my thumb with a hammer, whether on purpose or accidentally it would still hurt the same, in fact it would probably hurt more if I did it deliberately as I would also feel foolish for having done it, and also suffer the shame of others thinking how stupid I was.

Am I dismissing somehow the level of pain that victims suffer? No

But to say the perpetrator has none, little or deserves it, is wrong too.

There is a mentality out there that if you do something stupid or wrong, and possibly even deliberately, if it caused pain to you, then you are not deserving of compassion or mercy or even forgiveness.

I was raised with this message, remember the old saying, "you made your bed now lie in it".

The attitude was that only true victims deserve mercy and compassion or should get comforted.

This statement is supposed to mean that whatever decisions you make deal with the consequences of it, but in reality it translates in people's mind that if you made bad decisions you deserve no help. It was often if not always said at times one made bad decisions or decisions others thought shouldn't be made.

I think sometimes it is easier to be the victim because you might hurt but at least you can rest in the fact that you were innocent.

When you bring it on yourself there seems to be no rest for that in one's mind.

I did not apply this lesson at this time, instead I reverted back to my old habits and training.

Well my husband is in that position where he brought alot of what has happened to him on himself.

It still hurts.

This week my husband was to face some pretty severe consequences to some bad decisions he had made. He had already gone without his family for a very long time and there were still more consequences to come.

So what did I do when he told me this news?

I decided because I have been so hurt by what is going on, and I feel like the victim, to remind him of his bad decisions. 

None of these things I said were helpful or considerate.

None of them would bring comfort.

They were all 'me' statements. None were showing any concern for him and how he might be feeling.

I felt somewhat justified because, let's face it, he did bring it on himself didn't he? and because of that the family was getting hurt wasn't it?, so I had the right to tell him so didn't I?

Uh....No

1 Peter 3: 1-6

v1 " Likewise, 'ye wives be in subjectionto your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they

also may without the word be won by the conversationof the wives; v2 "While they behold your

chaste conversation coupled with fear."

"Without a word" was what I have been called to as a christian woman.

Does this mean I can never tell him what I am feeling? No

Does it mean he never has to face the depth of hurt he has put me through? No

Does it mean I should just stuff down my emotions for his benefit? No

The question to be answered is: What was my intent and purpose for lecturing him again and rejecting him? Why did I need to use that particular time and situation to vent my feelings and thoughts about how I felt and what I was suffering?

I was hurting and wanted him to hurt too, I was mad at him for doing this to us, I was mad for the children missing out, and the list goes on.

Can I have all these feelings and not say anything and anyway why should I?

There are ways to express oneself without venting, there is also appropriate timing. I did none of these.

Without a word doesn't mean silence at all times, and it doesn't necessarily mean not actually saying actual words.

I believe part of the meaning of these verses in 1 Peter chapter3 are to watch what and when we say things, to check the spirit in which we are saying things. What is our intent and purpose?

Sometimes saying nothing about me or what they did wrong is more helpful.

God calls us to tell the truth in love.

So even though the things I was saying may have been true, they were not said in love.

Stumbling Blocks

There are many stumbling blocks on the road to life one of them is our words. In particular things we repeat from others.

Should we always share or should we just shut up!

You know just because something is true or interesting. Just because sometimes you want to say something because you want others to know you know. Just because you may be the type of person who is used to just saying whatever pops into their head on a subject.

Doesn't mean you should say it.

You might believe with all your heart that if what you have to say would revolutionise some one's life. You may believe that your friend really needs to hear your insight so they can change their ways.

Should you say it?

I have discovered that what we say can impact a person so much and not always in the direction we planned.

People often think that just because it is your spouse you should share everything with them. Should you?

One may think that because someone has been their long term or best friend they can share anything with them. Can they?

I believe and have seen many a spouse and good friend be wounded by the things a close one says and so I think there is some other criteria for discerning whether to say something or not.

I believe you should be a good student of people. You should always err on the side of caution as you can never take words back. I believe you should be governed by love(and I don't just mean the feeling of love). Love is an action of doing what is in the best interest of the other person even if it is not pleasant to do so.

If you were to really know someone you would know the sorts of things that would cause them to stumble in life.

You would know what they could handle and what they can't.

You would know what makes them tick so to speak.

So for example if you know your spouse or friend is easily offended by what others say about them and you are told something by another that is offensive, should you tell that person?

Should you repeat something upsetting knowing that your spouse or friend may then judge that person for saying that. They may get angry and even sin themselves by being offensive.

Was what was said that important to inform anyone, was it just some one's opinion and so should be left as just that.

People often say things that are just opinions of the time and they may change. If we were to repeat that to someone else it would label the one who said it as if that is set in concrete as to what they believe for all time when that may not be true.

I once heard a very wise saying and it has stuck with me. Opinions are what you hold, convictions are what hold you.

People change opinions, convictions are rarely changed and often a conviction started as an opinion and over time never changed and so steps into the realm of a conviction.

Convictions although can change are not commonly changed and they are what anchor people in the sea of life.

So be careful when repeating things to others in any forum or format.

Ask yourself is this someones opinion, if so it could change at some time. Therefore I should if I must, repeat it under that understanding to others.

I have done this. I have repeated things to others that someone said and caused them to be offended and hurt unnecessarily.

God gave us two ears and one mouth there is a clue. Do more listening than you do talking.

Be careful your words don't become a stumbling block for others on the road of life.

Control, Control, Control

Isn't that what we are after most of all is to be in control?

Control of our money, lifestyle, time and people in our lives.

To control ones life we would think is the definition of freedom, is it?

What makes me feel in control is probably different to what would make you feel in control.

Although there would be some similarities based on the situation, people and circumstances involved.

I also believe that what a woman would do to be in control might be different to a man. Or maybe even what she NEEDS to do to be in control would be different.

What do you do to find control in your life?

What would you do if life throws you are curve ball and the things you had control of you don't anymore?

I have learnt that ultimately we don't have a whole lot of control.

Freedom is resting in the one who has ultimate control.

They say that information is power and I think there is truth in this, the question is who are you going to give the power to?

Silence is power because you keep control of your information therefore retaining the power.

When do you silence yourself and retain your position of power? When should you, 'zip the lip'?

When someone has not got your best interest at heart, and any information you give will or could be used against you.

When people are trying to draw you into arguments or wrangling.

When you know the information is being sought for ill use.

When you are not certain why the information is relevant.

Be careful wasting your words on people who don't understand your situation.

There is a time to talk and a time to be silent and knowing those times is power.

Power should not be abused though so remaining silent when you are supposed to say something, or by withholding information that is helpful or necessary is abusing the power.

Following on from silence being powerful, to be powerful is not to be a bully or exert control over others.

True power comes from knowing ourselves well and understanding our weaknesses and strengths.

If I know this I can regulate what situations I allow myself to be a part of and if I find myself in a situation unfamiliar to me I can rely on what I know of myself to navigate me through it.

Often my greatest strengths can become my biggest weaknesses if not monitored.

Power comes from putting boundaries on oneself as to what one is prepared to tolerate in life and who I engage with and befriend. How I use my time and give of myself etc.

eg:If I have a friend who is needy and demands or even just requires a lot of time, it is up to me to decide what amount of time I am prepared to give that person and then it is up to me to monitor and govern that about myself.

If I don't and end up frustrated then it isn't that persons fault because I haven't respected myself.

I have found myself in this situation often in my life.

We often get frustrated and sometimes angry with others as they demand things from us that we don't want to give because we don't respect and appreciate and govern ourselves enough.

I find myself with many insights to share and yet I don't put it down as often as I should.

I think this is because I have often struggled to value and respect myself over the years.

That is changing in recent times and quite quickly in areas of my life.

I find my ability to let go of things that bother me easier at times and discovered how much easier it is to love people when I respect myself.

I am so thankful to God for helping me with His wisdom, He says in the Book of James to ask for wisdom and He will give it liberally, well this is true.

His wisdom hasn't often looked like what I would have come up with but His wisdom works, that is what is so wonderful.